Element of the Equine - Power of the Stones :: Realm of Fire :: Ruling Fire Terra :: nothin' feels good anymore, everything's wrong Author Topic: nothin' feels good anymore, everything's wrong (Read 102 times) SoloSong; Teacher member is offline Ichigo: "Take it off already!" Renji: O_O Joined: Nov 2007 Gender: Female Posts: 947 Location: Under your bed >:D Karma: 19 nothin' feels good anymore, everything's wrong « Thread Started on Nov 3, 2009, 3:47am » This is my goodbye But please don't say a word. I don't exist, I can't be heard. Each day is a new failure Every trial is permissive Every step I gain I only fall back faster This is my goodbye But please don't try to stop me They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, that after you've been through a traumatic experience of any kind and you pull through it okay that you grow and become stronger and better from it. I have many, many reasons to disagree with this. For example, when Nerina . . . died I thought it was going to kill my right there. It was as if . . . my heart was torn directly out of my body. And now that I go back to think about, I sickly wished that I could have died right there beside of her. A year later and I still didn't feel "stronger" or "better". I actually felt worse. Way worse than I'd ever been. Sort of like rock bottom, but even lower. I had completely let myself and my failing nation go. Since the war, I rarely ate or drank anything. Whenever I tried to get some sleep, nightmares would always throw me back into a sleepless reality. I was constantly exhausted, barely able to move or think. My body was detached from my soul, which I believe Nerina claimed as she left this world and went into the light. I was a hollow, walking soul with no reason to live. What kept me hanging on was completely out of my possible reasoning. I mean, even my own sister, Aisling, turned completely against me, just like my father said she would. She tried to kill me during the war, that damned traitor, but, of all the fucking horses in this damn world, Paradox saved my ass. There is nothing left There is nothing left It's over, please lay me to rest Forgive me, let me go It's my choice so please lay me to rest Forgive me, let me go - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Lightning hit the ground all around me, sending the night up into an orange blaze. Boulders and loose earth were flung recklessly, barely missing me by inches. Large bursts of air hit me over and over, as tornadoes formed on the out skirts of the war infested field. Water seemed to be everywhere, as well as ice; below my flints, flying past my face, falling from the sky, everywhere. The sound of clashing hooves and teeth was deafening as I galloped my way across the field. I was going straight for Blod, or Athena. Whichever I could get to first. Or even their generals. That would have been a good enough first blood for me. The war had just started but I was about to end it. My obsidians tore the ground as I maneuvered to avoid a large chunk of earth, rich with sharp rocks and debris, that was hurled toward me. I veered off of my course, but quickly got back on it again. In the distance, I could easily see the wall of earth and air equines surronding one single charger, I could make out a bulky, blue roan being with air swirling around him. Instantly, I knew it was Blod. I was quickly closing the distance between me and Blod's friggin' army (used to protect himself, the greedy, selfish ass) with gritted teeth and a sweaty pelt. I was more than three quarters of the way there and was still making good time. The opposing benders were too wrapped up in their current situations to realize that I was going around back to get a clean shot on Blodyventer. . . well, atleast I hoped they were too busy. Blod didn't realize what was coming for him. I would make it quick and easy. Then, I would go for Athena. Simple. This is it, I thought. I will end this war no- A sharp, sudden pain shot through my back and down my spine. I felt instantly paralyzed, everything went black. My pistons locked, slamming my golden frame into the ground, full force. I slid for a yard or two before coming to a halt on my side. My lungs desperately heaved for air, painfully. My vision graduated from black to blurry as I felt blood trickle down my right eye. It took a minute for my mind to focus on what had happened, but still, I didn't even know what was going on. Where was I, again? Get up! A deep voice screamed which instantly registered as Paradox. He snapped me back into reality, but why was Paradox telling me to- Get up, Anakin! I blinked a few times, ridding my vision of the blurriness. But I still couldn't move. Why couldn't I move? What was going on. Damn it! Can you even stand? His voice boomed over the deafening sounds of the battle. . . Another lightning strike hit the ground not too far from my face; soil flew into the atmosphere from the impact of the hit, stinging my facade as it slammed into my mask. I clenched my chasms together tightly. Wait, that was it. I was hit by . . . lightning. But only fire benders could bend lightining. So, a traitor attacked me? But who was it? Don't try to save the poor bastard! He's pathetic and weak! Just let him die! The words were like a knife when I finally grasped who it was. My vision cleared up a little more and I lifted my crania slightly, only to make out a large phantom hued stallion standing between me and . . . Aisling. What the hell was going on? A large ball of fire, bigger than any I had ever seen, headed right for me (and Paradox if he didn't get the fuck out of the way). What was Aisling doing? Was she serious? I tried to scramble to my feet to deflect the massive flaming ball, but my attempt at standing failed and I collapsed back on my knees, gasping for air. I looked up, helpless, knowing Paradox and I were going to be burned to death from the flames heading our way. However, I watched in astonishment as with one quick, fluid movement, Paradox froze the sphere with much ease. He stood like a stone solid statue as it hit the ground a few feet in front of him and shattered into a thousand shards of glistening glass. Paradox had saved my life. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - I am no martyr, this place overwhelms me. Once again I could last I see no way to be free I search for the answers Is there no solution? I realize my reflection My reflection is my demon As the days turned to weeks, weeks turned to months, and months has turned into a year, not a day went by that I didn't think about that damned night when I took a trip to the water nation. When my life officially ended. When I was left with a hollow body. I didn't want to think about it, but it just replayed over and over like a human's broken record, but worse. I couldn't turn it off, no matter what. It slowly tore my apart, eating me alive. I was rotting on the inside, but what was I suppose to do? My bones were easily visible, my mane and tail were now short and rough and knotted, and my winter coat was patchy in lots of places; ugly and caked with dirt. My body was failing me and I was failing my body. My failing body was failing my nation . . . or whatever was left of it. All because I couldn't get over the past. Goddamn it. I should have ended it long before now; ended it all. Just like I wanted to when Nerina died, right there beside of her. When you go, I will too. I vowed to stay true to that promise. There is nothing left There is nothing left It's over, please lay me to rest Forgive me, let me go It's my choice so please lay me to rest Forgive me, let me go - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - The fall was bitter that year. Even after the war, a sadness seemed to blanket the atmosphere, watching over the blood stained earth. The night was calm, but it seemed too silent after endless days of battle. The moon was hidden behind rows upon rows of thick charcoal clouds. The wind was a knife, slicing through my wounded canvas. My whole body ached, but other than a few severe lacerations and a mark where Aisling struck me with lightning, I was okay. However, I feared the worse for Nerina. She was heavily, heavily pregnant in the last battle and she looked horrid, worse than I'd ever seen her. Which, to me, blew my mind. I didn't think it could get any worse . . . I never thought that her body could get so deteriorated. She seemed to be doing okay until a few days ago. . . until a cold snap came along. That's all I thought it was, just the unusal cold weather . . . nothing really that big of a deal. I mean, after all, Nerina was the water goddess and the water benders love their winters. I sighed to myself, making my way along the water lands. The smell of death was thick, sickining. The all too familiar essance of blood mixed with the scent of charred earth made my stomach hurl. The past weeks had completely taken their toll on me . . . and my nation, which was on the verge of extinction. I didn't know what to do anymore. In the distance of the moonless night, I could make out a materializing figure laying crumpled beside of a shallow river. I strained my vision to get a closure look, but failed to do so. It didn't really occur to me that it was Nerina, at the time, because there were dead bodies everywhere you looked. But this one wasn't KIA . . . I could see the sides of the equine rising and falling, but only slightly. Maybe it's one of my own . . . I thought, kicking into a trot. If it was a fire or water bender, I was more than happy to help them out and do what I could for them. However, if it was a earth or air bender, I wasn't ashamed to admit I would have finished them off. As I got closer, I realized the dark figure was actually jet black . . . and really skinny and boney. I could count the ribs that lined the equines sunken stomach and I could clearly distinguish the backbone and the anatomy structure of the spine. I was soon standing a few feet from the collapsed body when I decided to speak out. Um, are you going to make it? I asked, making my way around to the front of the obsidian charger. In that instant, once I saw the familiar white star on the forehead of the horse, my breath was instantly stolen away from me. Holy shit. Anakin? Anakin is that . . . that you? A frail, yet comforting voice spoke out. My jaw fell wide open . . . No. It couldn‘t be time. It was just too damn soon. . . Nerina . . . is all I managed before I quickly joined her by her side, laying down beside of her broken body. As I saw the pure agony in her face, tears began to brim the surface of my eyes. Anakin, she whispered softly, don’t look so surprised. We both knew this was coming long before now. She said softly, forcing a tiny smile on her face. It soon faded as her body tensed. She closed her optics and made a pained sound. You know that I’ve always held a special place for you inside of my . . . My heart. The wind shifted, pulling the tears from my eyes now. I swallowed hard, gently resting my mask on her fragile neck in her thick locks that I had spent so many nights buried in. You can’t leave me here alone, I forced out. I felt as if it was too much to bare her the weight of my crania, so I pulled back from her. I gently touched her muzzle. You can’t leave me, Nerina. I won't let you. Come on, stay with me. I mean, you have to be here for your nation, for Paradox. My voice was instantly filled with worry. I pulled back and searched her mask. She laughed lightly. We will soon meet again. All in good time. The brightness of her face faded. Her body went limp and the light from her charcoal eyes faded, leaving a dull, empty hollow behind. Nerina was gone. Nerina? my voice was panicked and loud. Nerina! I know you hear me! I shrieked, shocked when I heard the echo of my voice off of the distant mountains. Damn it, Nerina! Don’t fucking leave me! Now the tears poured freely from my cheeks as I rested my face upon hers. One of my few friends and my only best friend in my sad, pathetic life . . . Gone forever. Just like that. Ten years of pure hell for her fighting this damn disease and she was taken just like that. Life was so fucking unfair. Nerina. My voice was at a whisper now. I sat there and sobbed. Sobbed like a child who has lost its mother. Sobbed like an elderly equine loosing their life long mate. Sobbed like I had lost my only best friend. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - It's my blasphemy, hoping not to wake. It's a nightmare, sleep in freedom You gave but it was not enough Your strength, it was not enough, never enough. With dulled eyes and a hollowed face, I looked out across my land: the ruling fire terra. The same land where I was born. The same land where so many major events over my life had taken place. My birth, my father beating me, being crowned fire king, falling in love for the first time, watching my only son be born, watching Elske leave. . . so many more things had taken place here. But where it all began, I was going to end it. I thought about it long and hard, actually. Suicide wasn’t that easy of a decision. But by the time I had decided it was the right choice, I was just doing myself a favor and putting me out of my own misery. Really, it was the truth. My bones were slowly deteriorating, my muscles had decayed, and my mind and soul were gone completely. So why not end it? And once I did die, however, I knew damn well that I could not follow where Nerina went. She was going to that place where the kind hearted, caring equines go. The ones who’ve made something out of themselves and devoted their lives to the good of others and spread their love like a pandemic. Ones who always had open arms and a golden, warm heart, ready to love another day. No, I did not belong in that place. The place where I was headed . . . Well, let’s just say wasn’t that nice or welcoming. Without another moment to give myself to think, I stepped forward, prepared what was to come. Nerina, if you can hear me, I’m sorry that it has to end this way. I’m sorry that I wasn’t there for you always like I should have been. I’m sorry that I never told you that I fucking loved you as much as I did. I’m sorry that I have failed you in more ways then one, broke promises, and kept things from you. I do not deserve your forgiveness nor will I ever. And as soon as my words rolled off of my lips, the clouds thickened. Rain began to pour from the heavens. But without you, what more is there to live for, really? I‘m sorry I cannot join you, but know you are always in my heart. I took a step forward, already drenched by the pouring, freezing rain. The sheets of liquid seeped through my hide, turning my insides to pure ice. But like I always promised, when you go, I will go too. With that, I felt my flints heat up. Soon, the earth beneath them were bubbling and steaming. The liquid that poured from my eyes as tears was soon replaced with a smoldering, glowing orange-ish liquid that burned as it oozed down my cheek bones. The puffs of water vapor that left my paper thins in the winter bitterness was replaced with pure smoke. I held my breath, raising a one dagger up, even in height with my crest. I love you, always. Never will that change. After that was said, the rain turned to sleet, pelting my body. I slammed my lifted obsidian into the earth, like striking a match. As soon as my diamond made contact with the soaked turf, my body instantly was consumed by flames. Through the screams of agony I created and the burning and hissing of my flesh, my memory traveled back. Slowly creeping from my first breath to my last love. The past ten years were something that no one should have to go through. Something that I would do anything to go back and redo. Nothing would be the same. It was ridiculous that I promised myself that I would never end up like this. The way I had never wanted to be. Insane, dying, torn apart at the seams. And now look at me. I was standing in the middle of a freezing rain storm, burning alive, listening to my own flesh crackle like a winter fire. I was positive that I never wanted to end like that. Soon, I couldn’t see anything. My legs were numb. My esophagus was charred, burned, making it impossible for me to breath. My nares were clogged with smoke and my eyes . . . They were burned to a crisp. I couldn’t feel anything . . . Couldn’t see anything. . . I couldn’t even hear the sizzling of my own flesh. I was so numb . . . So out of pain, free of agony. The darkness was overwhelming . . . Like it was calling my name. Yes, it was calling my name, summoning me. I followed without hesitation. Like, I was crawling through the darkness, completely blind, but it was like I knew where I was going. But I was blinded by a bright light. My dear Anakin, The voice . . . It had a distnant ring to it, but I had no idea who it was at the moment. My eyes, they soon adjusted to the sudden change of light. Anakin, my son, it is so sad to see you end like this. The sweetness of the voice was so overwhelming, so amazing, yet so familiar. After I blinked a few times and my vision was cleared, I realized where I was. It was just white. . . But before me, a beautiful raven vixen stood looking at me. Her dished faced and curved boa was so perfect. . . fluidly fitting the definition of an Arabian. As I met her gentle cocoa optics, something clicked. I didn't know what it was or where it came from, but I just knew. Mother? The toughness of my voice seemed to fade away as I said her name. The ex fire goddess smiled gently, walking over to me, instantly wrapping her neck around mine in a hug. The familiar scent hit me like a punch in the gut. No matter what you may think, I am proud of you. Though you won’t be able to stay with me, you must know I never stopped loving you. Before I could say anything further, she was gone. I quickly whipped around, searching everywhere I could. But each direction I turned to looked the same as the one I turned from. It was all just. . . White. Anakin? Another voice. Familiar. Recent. This one instantly hit me. Nerina? I asked, spinning around. Soon, I was able to find her sable bodice moving towards me. Her body didn’t seem to be failing her, rather it was full and petite. She moved with such grace. . . Such flawlessness. She was the way I remembered her from years, years ago. The Nerina I use to meet late at night. The Nerina I fell in love with. The Nerina whom I was so familiar with. Stay strong, Anakin. She said, stopping short of me. She reached out, touched my nose, and then blackness consumed me once again. It's over, please lay me to rest Forgive me, let me go It's my choice so please lay me to rest Forgive me, let me go This time when I awoke, I was exactly where I thought I would be: in the deepest pits of hell rotting alongside all the other bad equines in the world. Where else would I go? I've always belonged here. It's what I've always deserved. And when I took my own life, I was fully aware that it would be pure torture living here. No bending powers or anything. I was just a normal, powerless being amongst dozens upon dozens of other normal, powerless beings. All of our fates twined together and ended up the same place. Our pasts differ in so many ways yet we all seemed to have fucked up in more ways than one during our mortal lives. And look where we all ended up. OOC: A little over 3,000 words. Thanks to Zelda, Ceramic, Ash, and whoever else has inspired me in some way. To Zelda: I hope the dialouge is okay and I'll change it if you want me to. Ceramic: Same as Zelda. And also, I didn't put Paradox in the memory where Nerina died. I can change that if you want. Ash: Same dialouge thing as with Ceram and Zelds. You can edit it if you really want to for Aisling. 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